I miss E so much. He got this job where he works on the North Slope (500 miles away) for 2 weeks, then has 2 weeks off. Anyway, he's been in MD for training pretty much back to back with his two weeks on the slope so it's been basically a month. And this is hard! When he's gone, I feel like I'm just going through the motions each day, waiting for him to come home. I'm supposed to be happy, because he hated his old job. But I don't like this new job! I don't like the new schedule! And it does not give us more time together, which is what he said when he applied!
Another thing is, he got word he might get deployed to the middle east. Possible deployment date: four days after the wedding. He says not to worry or stress out about it. But I think about him being gone for 1 year + and I HATE IT! He will literally be gone for the entire first year of our marriage. Thinking about celebrating our first anniversary alone makes me want to cry. And I resent the fact that out of the next 4 months, I will see him 1/2 the time.
Plus, if he leaves then, we will have to cancel my reception in Virginia. Again, I'm supposed to be happy, because at least we will be able to get married. I am happy for that. But I'm also really, really disappointed about cancelling the reception in Virginia. Most of my friends and family are not coming to the wedding. So I will not get to share it with them. E doesn't understand, because his friends and family are coming to the wedding. So he will get to celebrate with the people who are important to him, but I will not. Which makes me very angry at the National Guard.
I know that I feel worse because I'm on mid shift, and I'm always depressed on mid shift, but right now I feel so down. I wish there was some magic answer to make me feel better. And "don't worry, everthing will all work out in the end" doesn't seem to be it.