So, since the last time I posted, E and I found out he will definitely be deployed -- and he's leaving for his mob station on June 6th. The VA reception is canceled, and he and I have 11 weeks left together, of which he'll be gone 6, and at Army National Guard (heretofore known as ARNG) annual training for 2.
Obviously, I'm pissed and unhappy. I vacillate between "we can make it through this; it's no big deal" and "this is a HUGE deal! I want to strangle the ARNG!" Plus, I feel like I'm not supposed to be mad or something, like I'm supposed to get over it, "keep my chin up", and deal. But I'm not very good at that.
Anyway, I've been in a very bad mood and sleeping poorly for several days. I'm still on nights, which makes things worse. So I am constantly lashing out at E and my friends and family, which alienates everyone and makes me feel worse. I wish I were better at controlling my emotions.
Last night E and I got in an argument in the car on the way home from a party. It was really dumb; I was complaining about how I wished our house was nicer and then it devolved into something where I was nagging him about cleaning the house. The thing is, most of the time I pride myself on the fact that I don't need a lot of nice stuff to make me happy. I'm happy with my old furniture and old dishes and old...well, old everything. (Of course, I'm not talking antique, or classic, or retro, I'm talking faded and well loved). But then every once in a while we go to someone's house where their stuff matches and they have nice decorations and I totally turn into a materialistic freak. This house we were at today, the girl and her boyfriend had really worked hard at decorating and making it look pretty. They had done a lot of renovations and had made some really great changes. And I thought of our place, where nothing matches and furballs litter the hallway, and the living room is an obstacle course because of all the furniture and crap lying on the floor, and I was a little embarrassed. I don't know why. Even now, it seems really stupid.
So I got on E's case about how we don't have guests very frequently because I'm embarrassed about how messy the house was....which is kind of true, but he and I are equally messy. I always leave my coat/purse/work bag on the kitchen floor and my photographs are strewn across the living room. And I hate cleaning just as much as he does, which is why I never do it and then go into a cleaning frenzy before guests come to make sure they aren't completely grossed out. Anyway, it wasn't really fair, and I don't know what my deal was.
It kind of grosses me out when I get like that. I hate people who are materialistic! So when I wish my house was a little nicer, I'm totally being a hypocrite.
This entry sucks. I can't believe I wrote a whole entry on my materialism. I feel really superficial and vacuous.
ETA: Here is my horoscope for the week from The Onion. Oh, how true it is.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The old adage "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" will feel particularly appropriate this week when you grow increasingly envious of how much grayer your neighbor's cement driveway looks than yours.